Once upon a time, in a litigious land not so far away, where lawyers roamed free, there was once a boy, or maybe it was a girl, very much like any other, and he, or she, rode a bike very much like any other…
One day that boy or girl, I really don’t know which, decided to jump a curb, or pop a wheelie, as boys or girls are wont to do…
Low and behold, the front wheel parted company with the bike, and then gravity won again…
I imagine it went much like this:
The next part is where it gets strange. Rather than admit his or her mistake, that the front wheel hadn’t been attached properly, and then learn how, if they didn’t know how to do it, they blamed the fastener…
Yes the fastener, brainchild of Tulio, who upon the crest of Croce D’Aune, watched victory slip his grasp just as surely as his wing nuts were frozen, and resolved to find a better way…
The better way did Tulio find, and to wit did emblazon it upon his crest, the wonderful 
quick release…
For nearly a century we cyclists thanked Tulio, for what he had invented was truly magnificent…
Until that day, when the boy, or girl, I really don’t know which, did what they did and laid the blame for their misfortune squarely on Tulio’s invention…
It came to pass that a Lawyer, sensing the opportunity for recompense, as Lawyers are wont to do, came and took up the case.
Then, in a most disturbing way, it was determined, it a court of law no less, that Tulio’s invention was found lacking…
How could this be? The quick release works so well! Tulio’s is a most wonderful invention…
Thus proving Murphy’s Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof , because fools are too ingenious…
But, oh how the bike companies have tried, and what they invented was the ‘Lawyer’s Lips’ so that even an open quick release won’t allow the wheel to fall out…
The ‘Lawyer’s Lips’ no doubt has failed to protect some fool from himself, but apparently satisfies the courts that what was done, or not, as the case may be, was truly foolish and therefore the bike company not liable…
Predictably, the curse has spread, and even now in lands not known to be litigious, the ‘Lawyer’s Lips’ prevail…
It has been the practice many to file the buggers off despite the voided warranty…
But apparently, in France, to take a file to Lawyer’s Lips is to risk a stay in the Bastille…
One wonders if this applies to everyone who rides and races in France?
Matters not, not any more, the UCI have decreed, that all shall bare this curse, lest everything be fair, and no one shall be freed…
The UCI document can be found here (PDF) if you find yourself in need of something to peruse whilst conducting sorties over porcelonia…
To quote Forrest Gump: Stupid is as stupid does…
